this is a note to self: you are really going to hate yourself tomorrow. Its going to be rough but you can make it through. You over did yourself again letting temptation hem you up in bad habits. Your going to ache all day at work lifting boxes for people who wont even remember your name though you go out your way to entertain them dying in a cold sweat. But remember its all an ends to a means. Though you will have no home in the coming weeks you will find shelter beneath calloused skin, and know what it means to grin at the devil. I just pray to maintain myself on this a perilous journey from darkness into further darkness. I cant see a foot ahead of me and everything behind me is lost as though in a dream. I am adrift with only my will to guide my rudder through jagged reefs. But the truth is that in this fashion I am one step closer to home... wherever that may be.

sometimes you have to do the wrong thing to do the right thing. I know that sounds entirely ambiguous but it is the duality of choice that can create the necessary repercussions. I believe that a good person knows their place, and in knowing ones place they may come to fulfill their destiny. It is my imperfection that leads me to resentment. How can one survive when the happiness of a friend is outweighed by the woe in ones heart. How can one justify themselves in being so out of difference with the will of their loved ones? I submit to you they can not. It is cancerous this taste of malcontentism, and so to spare you I remain claustrophobicly silent so that only in my dreams do the terrors that sunder my mind seek abode. If I have ever been your friend it is now that I act so relieving you of a burden to carry on my own. You are free like the wind, a force never seen but always wanted and forever envied. Though my sails are without your blessing , i have since then forced myself to row on into whatever may come. Just remember that when my time comes that my wishes be honored and that a pyre at sea I become. I pray to my gods that you are well.

Good night.

and i hope ill be dreaming about that ship.... my ship to sail with this old harbor at my back. Ill look back with fondness leaving behind all regret, i tell you a good memory never to be forgotten. Regardless, its all for the best in the end. Ill see you in my dreams. Good night.

so i just want to start off this post by admitting that i have made more money lately through less than honorable means than i do working a shift at my normal job. Only further proof that we get more than we deserve.

Now have any of you actually seen a corpse? I dont mean the thing they put in a casket for the funeral service. That for all intensive purposes to me is nothing more than a doll or humunculus. A corpse is a body that up until recently was living. Now imagine a body that has gone cold, its turning the ever slightest tint of purple. There is no breath as in the moments after mortum capture the perfected nature of serenity. At least it did in her case. She looked calm, sickenly peaceful in the photograph. It was a close up on her face, the photographer had been so tactful so as not to display the vicious damage the car accident had inflicted on her fragile body. There she was, a woman who i had loved for over five years, dead. It was alien. It was imperceivable strangling strangeness that i had once held that mound of flesh as a demigod. That would be the last day i would ever see her depicted in this reality. She hasn't left my dreams since I learned of her demise. She comes as though unperturbed by her physical absence. It is satisfyingly cruel and barbarously benevolent in the same breath. My subconscious is wracked with her latent energies trying in vain to perpetuate a person that is no more. I have taken to sleeping significantly less.

sometimes its like your in an unending war with god. Just when you can start to believe there is solid ground under your feet again it evaporates and you are left for a second hovering above the great abyss wondering in that split second before gravity kicks in if this time will be the time you finally hit the bottom. Funny enough that the bottom always seems to be the glass bottom of a bottle and each time you wake up you can taste that kiss on your lips that you forget looking through the tinted glass you think you see the truth. You keep on looking for that new high, never saying no to what ever may drive by, but its a lie, unnatural something completely fictional and not factual. Thats where the problems begin, you realize you cant distinguish the truth from the lie, the good from the bad and without these personal indicators you slip into an ambiguous zone forgetting the true nature of your soul. What good is a soul at this point, what good is a soul when its just a rotting manifest to the inequities of the truth? Whats the point of these earthly chains when the dead can rest better then the vain?

today i received a message from my ex girlfriends mother. Apparently she died in a car accident last Tuesday. Needless to say i have again fallen off the bandwagon. When it rains it pours....

Gnostic state

Lost and all but forgotten come and walk the razors edge. Bloody cough and still no stopping my mortality is watching the envelope bend. Cant decide if fake or righteous where do i begin? Tired of waiting for tomorrow i dont sleep so my days never end. Here i am the shudra bought and sold on a whim. Pretty people smiling faces bite my lip and bare the brunt follow guidelines no one asked me but i know i could not stop.... you have left me know to wallow swallow these words dont let the jump these lips. Beaten down and covered in garbage while the treacherous have their way. Loveless fodder daughter born to undeserving father tragedy followed within. If my god was let loose upon them would they bow like me, if they saw in through the darkness would the peer in self reflection and think they are unclean? Perhaps there is no reward and i would still not change, carnal beast tied in earthly chains, i am of the air watch me float on this limitless plain. Now too many are the nights where I pray, calling out into the ether asking for its name. I have been there once and like a mother its nourishment is unseen. Form is nothingness and from nothingness this form was born. Ringing in my ears now, can you hear it calling like the thunder from a storm deafening this mediocrity urging me to see it till the end. Granted visions i see the forest of Nemi where i was left to be king, golden bough in hand the land leads me to hades will it let me in? Trade now this fragile form for something substantial make me more than flesh bound to bone. Separate this mind from the body and leave it to rot, give me the bitter root of reason to dull these senseless sense to see truly what is right in front of my eyes. Cast this veil aside rip asunder my matriculation free me and let me touch the divine.

A man is not an island but he can be stronghold, its walls made of bricks of pain mortared with faith. These walls protect virtue, long forgotten by those who would throw words without care, without knowing their true meaning. Now you see the temple which grows far beyond the walls, and though its gleaming steeple within the city walls blinds you it is the light of truth and justice that causes your eyes accustomed to the dark to weep. It is in this manner that we the children of your uncaring deity have come to reject him and to know the true names of our gods. We do not ask for favor, we seek adversity for the difference between man and beast is that when a beast is wounded it simply bleeds, a man will learn from his wounds passing into the days of tomorrow knowing the flavor of the forbidden fruit yet not craving it. It is through these lessons that i purge wanton desire, awakening to the true path which is beset on all sides with the inequity of the weak. If there is to be strength then this strength must come from the hand of our heart seated not in the throne of necessity but in the wooden stool of morality, and though it strain our back we must learn to carry the weight of our own. I call out to you now and ask is it upon your own strength that you carry yourself or is it the crutch of the other that you rely upon falsely calling your treachery compassion, falsely promising love when you were unwilling to make the sacrifice for anyone, putting your wretched ambitions above all others? I submit to you that you are false, that you are unable to name the errors of your soul and are therefore loss to chronic dissatisfaction oscillating between dreams, fully enamored with your own pretentious desires that will never reach pure fruition because you will always lack the true faith of the downtrodden. Because you know in your heart of hearts that you sleep with a shadow, that you speak with reflection , that you walk hand in hand with failure, that you are lost having done nothing more but adopted another's facade in hope of disguising the truth from yourself. I will not weep for you now for your path of self deception is self chosen, and that is how you have learned to avert the simple truth that you have no idea who you really are. It is with these bitting words that i leave you now for good and hope that sensibility like a venom might come to finally coarse through your fragile veins.

and there are monsters in the darkness
so what would you call the man who kills them all
is he no different after the fall
and when he catches in your glances
he know there is no repair for this still growing wall

and what would you say
when you truly know me
when you see my hands betray my heart
strangling the life from some young corpse
just to realize that
justice
is nothing but a dream
of debts un payed outweighed by deed
and not just by thought

and what would you say
to know me lost in these strange marshes
my feet stuck in the muck of regret
that if i kept it all in check
i wouldn't have to carry this dead man around my neck

and you say that you will shed light with crosses
but in the this brightness shadows grow
and though my feet might kiss the darkness
it is from this vantage that one can come to truly love light
and i will shed blood for these losses
upon this back i will let you crawl
full fanged and with furious passes
fetter my skin and let it hang
for it to be seen by all

and i am man only in name
and i am tame only through force
and everyday i rehearse this passion
to pay for what has still yet to come
because if the worthy are to be forgotten
and the blasphemer to gain it all
then without regret i will bury your crosses
beneath my ever growing wall

and if you hate me then you will hate the real me
blood splattered for the lack of you
and if you turn your back upon
this heap of ashes
then they will still continue to float around you